Being Real

I was reading a couple of blogs today, by a husband and wife going through their 4th deployment.  Between my husband and I, we have been through four deployments and a remote tour in Korea, so I felt a bit connected with them.  One thing that struck me about their blogs was their reality to struggles.  I struggle...daily...with one thing or another.  But I think out of fear of losing it, I suppress those struggles and continue to cope.  People think I'm this strong woman who blah blah blah...it doesn't matter.  This is my confession.  I'm not strong, or I don't feel strong.  I'm angry a lot about circumstances that are beyond my control.  I fight emotions on an hourly basis.  I want to scream and shout and jump up and down because I don't have it together.  But, like every other "good military spouse" we put on our happy faces and trek out into the world.  This is the face YOU see.  This is the person you are used to.  But to be real, I fight my own living hell day in and day out.  A hell that not many experience.  However!!!  I am also a woman, wife, mom, sister, cousin, etc., of faith.  I KNOW life sucks and I know it is going to be painful and bitterness creeps in at times.  I had an email conversation with a very good friend of mine (who will read this eventually) yesterday and she was truly concerned about me because last weekend I didn't have my "happy face" on and was seriously struggling with emotions, which I was having serious difficulty keeping in check for some reason.  People look up to me as this strong person who has it all together and now I feel as though I am lying to them.  God guides me through each and every day and my job is to ensure I have His full armor on.  I have to wake up each day and decide what I'm going to clothe myself in that day:  will I wear the clothes of Christ or will I not.  But I have to ask, does the clothing of Christ mean that I keep emotions in check and put on that happy face?  I sit here and am honestly wondering about this.  I am still human, so why do I try to act like I'm super-human?  Why do I suffer in this silent hell alone?  I can tell you some of it is I just despise crying!   I hate it with a passion.  I have to laugh because I don't hate it for any other reason than it makes my face look silly.  My eyes puff up and become red.  My contacts cloud over from tears.  My nose gets red from blowing it.  It's all vanity!  Am I serious?  Unfortunately, I am.  I think, however, that I'm going to find myself in a looney bin if I don't figure out how to handle all these pent up emotions.  I will tear up at the drop of a hat for Pete's sake.  I'm very serious.  There's a show on TV about military members surprising their families on their return from deployment.  I don't watch it for obvious reasons (cry city!), but was out to lunch with a couple of friends and they were TALKING about it.  Mind you we were just talking about it!  I started to tear up!  OMGosh!  Was I serious!  You have got to be kidding me, but there I was tearing up over the mere mention of this show!  Something's going to give here, and I'm going to need a river dug for my tears just to ensure I don't flood the house!  I truly feel my coming to the end of my rope. 

There will be a lot of Bible and quiet time with my Father over this because He is the only one who can help me through this.  If any of you have any verses that can help, I'm all ears.  I will meditate and study those verses til this passes.

It's like I'm almost done with this remote to Korea only to have to start a NEW separation 2 weeks later!  It's disheartening.  But, God will get me through, as will my wonderful friends at church, who I call family.  Thanks to all who help me through this life.  I am going to spend some time with my Father then maybe take a short nap.  I'm feeling a bit tired lately.  Probably should have my blood drawn again to check on my counts.  Could be anemic again and need some iron.  Who knows.  Could just be emotionally tired, too.  A nap should help with that, too. 

in Christ
Hugs

Thoughts...

I have been really feeling sort of depressed lately, and I tend to isolate myself from the world more for a self preservation reason than anything else.  But, it also is because I don't want to expose myself to people who might ask the "right" question and I have to actually answer it.  I didn't want to have to do that.  But, life goes on and so must I.  Church, the teaching, the people, and my friends there just have this way of taking everything that ails me and making it better.  I have one word for how it happens:  God.  I serve an awesome God, there is no other way to put it.   The teaching today was about how to triumph in life, God's way.  It was really good.  It's points were to remind us that we all fail, all fall short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23).  Just like oil and water never mix, never do God and sin.  And, just being good enough isn't enough...it just isn't enough.  We have to go through the process of getting right with Him and living right for Him.  Then, we are to learn from others, good or bad.  This is a hard one.  Most people, in my opinion, don't do this very well.  For some reason, we CONTINUE to think that our thoughts and ideas are so much better than others' ideas.  I was the same way.  I certainly didn't think my parents knew anything.  Didn't even want to hear what they had to say.  But, I look back, and I wish they had tried more with me.  I wish I would have heard the WHY behind the rules a bit more.  I would have loved to hear why I should have gone this way and done that.  I might have wanted to see their point of view.  Anyway, water under the bridge. I'm here now and that's all that matters, right?  All my failures have been washed away through belief in Jesus, confessing Him as my Lord and Savior, repenting of my sins, and baptism.  There is always hope in fixing a life if you just change the formula you use.   No one is too broken for God.  Check out this song Broken Pieces.  It is so fitting for me.  I have so many broken pieces, and God is slowly putting them back together, making me whole again.  It's a painful process, let me tell you.  But, I can do all things through God Who strengthens me.  He is faithful and just, and my broken pieces will be whole again, even if it has to wait until I see Jesus after I die.  But, someday, I will be whole again.

On a lighter note, I get to help out with the teens over the next couple of weekends.  This ought to be fun.  :)   We have a good bunch of teens actually.  Many have gotten right with God, and it's amazing to watch them grown in Christ.

Here's to you having a good day.  Hugs!