Heavy heart

The death of another of Chris' friends (Kristoffer Solesbee) has had an impact on me today.  As I struggled to work through it, I talked to God, asking Him for His help, trying to figure out why this is so hard on me, yet again.  I truly believe I felt God's pain today as another person has lost his chance to get right with God.  For the first time, I think, I didn't feel the pain of losing a friend.  I feel the pain of losing the chance to have another brother in Christ.  I am struggling a lot with what to do with this, as I know that if I attempt to reach out to the predominantly anti-God, hateful, yet close-knit group called EOD, Chris could potentially be ostracized.  You can NOT have that when your life depends on your teammate having your back to survive!  Not sure where that leaves me, however.  Maybe it's not the EOD community He wants to reach, although they sure could use Him, as all military could.  I just don't know where all this pain will lead me, but I do place my trust in Him. 

My thoughts also go to a place where I can envision the souls who aren't right with God as they realize God was indeed true, heaven is indeed a place, and hell is a harsh reality.  I see the look on their face, their astonishment, their "oh no!" moment as they descend.  The pain God must feel as another child has to face his eternity.  Heart wrenching!!!  Reminds me of a song our church wrote called The City.  It is based on Matthew 9:36-38.  It goes:

Oh the city, it stretches out there before you

And you don’t know what to do.  Is it friend or foe?

Well you know they need Jesus but you’re not sure how to see them

Do you love fear or hate them you just don’t know

Jesus looked into the eyes of a city full of people

Who didn’t love Him or listen to what He said

He knew they were confused and sad like sheep without a shepherd

So He wept and loved them because He felt so bad
Oh the city, it stretched out so far before Him

And He saw their real burden lost just like sheep

And He looked past their faces to their hearts that were hurting

They were standing on the edge getting ready to leap
So He turned to those who followed Him

Who had left it all to be like Him cause He wanted them to see

Just like He sees and He told them

There’s so much to do. We gotta have some help to see us through

These people are ready for God, but you are the key
Oh the city, it stretches out there before you

And we’re now the key to opening the gate

Our world is still hurting and they need compassion

We need to love, work n’ weep for them before it’s too late
Well the people in the world aren’t just pagans or sinners

They’re people we must love and not fear

 So Jesus asked His Father to send us out into the harvest

To point the way and bring back lost sheep because they’re so dear
Oh the city, it stretches out there before you

Now what are you gonna do; the city sits and waits
You can reach out for Jesus and show them love that they’re needing

And start a party in heaven when you bring em’ through the gate!!

That song always makes me cry because I feel useless and afraid.  I have a hard time talking to people about God, Jesus, and the Bible.  It stems from certain people who were once close to me rejecting me because I turned to Jesus.  I'm a fake and a fraud in their eyes because, I'm guessing, I'm not perfect and still make mistakes.  I try to rely on passages out of the Bible for guidance and relief:

Jesus is talking in Luke 12: 51-53, "Do you suppose that I came to grant peace on earth?  I tell you, no, but rather division; for from now on five members in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three.  They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law

Jesus is again talking in Matthew 10: 34-36, "Do not think that I cam to bring peace on earth; I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.  For I came to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and a man's enemies will be the member's of his household."

But, it is still hard.  It is time for me to go have some alone time with God, as I dearly need some more today.  I pray God blesses you with His best in your life and if you aren't right with God, I pray that you take that step and prevent a vision of your own "oh no!" moment. 

Hugs

Bobbie Jo

Being an EOD Wife, Part 2

I was thinking a lot about my post from yesterday and wondered if I encapsulated what it means to be an EOD wife.  I think I was off in my ramblings.  I'm going to try again here.  My first inclination that I was wrong in my thoughts yesterday came from a post I saw on an EOD Wives page (I am a member of three, one of which I created).  The posting was about people wearing the "crab" without earning it.  Now, when I say crab, I am talking about the EOD badge...they call it the crab.  This crab is very sacred, for lack of a better word.  Those who graduate from the school are given this crab--no, they are the crab.  It is imprinted on everything they are, imprinted on themselves.  It is a serious rite of passage.  Most, if not all, at least have it tattooed on their bodies.  There are even actual EOD techs who apparently don't think their wives should be "allowed" to wear the badge on clothing or a tattoo, etc.  It is that sacred. 

Here's where I take slight offense.  EOD techs have to worry about their jobs, hence their lives as I explained in my previous post.  When they are deployed, we are instructed, via unwritten rules, not to stress our techs so they can keep their mind on the task at hand.  VERY UNDERSTANDABLE.  Now, that leaves the wife to handle all matters at home, including children if there are any.  We are talking all upkeep, bills, kids, work, etc.  Our tech now has NONE of that responsibility.  Now, because of the constant threat of death for our techs, we have that on top of everything else.  We "deploy" along with our husbands, just not across the pond.  We wear the badge just as much as they do.  Every deployment there is a vast amount of emotions that play a part.  While they are traveling to their destination, we are left with the pieces of separation, loneliness, kids missing dad, etc.  They are kept fairly busy, while we have to juggle life and readjust schedules to accommodate a missing piece.  When my husband lost his best friend from high school, I picked up the pieces.  I grieved with him.  When he lost three more friends that same year, I grieved right along with him, helping him along the way.  I played therapist as he struggled with it all.  I played nurse to his many injuries and surgeries.  When he came back after a very difficult deployment where he was shot at and attacked, I had to deal with him and his mental state.  I was left to figure out how to handle this "new" man because war had taken the man I married.  I, too, am EOD!

I didn't wear the "crab" initially because I understood its meaning to the actual EOD tech.  I wasn't EOD nor did I care to be.  But it didn't take long for me to realize that I was just as much a part of that career as my husband was, if not MORE.  So for anyone to try to take that away from me, well let's just say they better come with some big guns cuz they will have one heck of a fight on their hands!  I earned my crab just as my husband did.  I may not disarm bombs or make safe IEDs or perform bomb sweeps, but let me tell you, I am EOD.  I will wear that crab with pride, and as a token of my love for my husband. 

Well, now that I got that off my chest....  :) 

Hugs to all

Being an EOD Wife

I was asked what it exactly means to be an EOD Wife.  EOD, Explosive Ordnance Disposal, is unique in and of itself.  They are a group of mostly men (but there are some women in the field) who, as best I can describe them, are a bunch of cowboys bent on fame.  LOL..I'M KIDDING CHRIS!  Just wanted to get you going!  Love you!  ha ha.  OK...on a more serious note...and correct me if any of this is wrong, Chris.   And Becca, if you read this, by all means give us your perspective, too. 

EOD spans all four major services (AF, Army, Marine, Navy).  They all go to the same school, training together.  They deploy in teams always.  Their job by nature is quite dangerous.  Their motto:  Initial Success or Total Failure, if you think about it, is so very true.  If they don't dispose of the munition correctly the first time, there usually isn't a second chance at it.  Of course, they are very heavily relied upon in Iraq and Afghanistan, but if they aren't deployed 6-10 months out of a year, they are TDY (temporary duty -- business trip in the corporate world) quite a bit elsewhere.  They are always training.  They work closely with federal agencies doing bomb sweeps.  It's a line of work that isn't for the faint of heart.  Most of them are Type As who, because they need to always be right, tend to forget they don't always know everything.  (sorry hon...)   They work hard.  They play hard.  They face death every time they encounter their work.  I think you have to be a tad on the crazy side to do that, but that's just me.  I do love my crazy man, though. 

Now, the wives.  Well, I think you will find a whole lot of different perspectives on this actually, based on age, number of deployments, coping abilities.  Like I said, even when they are home (not deployed), they are putting in long hours, TDY for this or that...heaven help us during election time!  An EOD wife would benefit from being a little self-sufficient (as all military wives should be).  It really is hard for me to give an overview of what it means to be an EOD wife.  I have such different perspectives.  But, when they are gone, it will never fail...something will go wrong at home.  I don't care what it is.  I had a truck tire blow out on me going 50 miles an hour.  I had a leak in the A/C unit in the garage.  I had to put down a much loved (and my own) dog.  I retired just weeks before he left on another deployment.  My stang gave me fits with the battery...again!  It's always something.  There's all the emotion of deployment prep, then the departure, then the first weeks of truly feeling alone.  Finally, you find routine (and that's usually when something goes wrong).  Depending on the mission they are on during deployment, you hear from them daily, every few days, etc.  That always varies.  Now most of that is true of any military spouse.  What EOD wives already know is the danger our guys are in each and every time they go on a mission.  You have to somehow come to grips with that.  You have to rely totally on their abilities, their training, their level-heads.  You don't tell them much about what's going on at home...they have enough to worry about...this is an unwritten rule...don't stress your spouse while deployed.  SO, you're truly alone sometimes in dealing with life.  You don't have a spouse to bounce things off of.  I guess that's where other EOD wives come in.  I've not ever been a member of the group here in Tucson, so I don't really know how it works.  I had my own career for some of my marriage to Chris, and that kept me focused and supported.  It was only when I retired and did not have that daily adult interaction that I came to understand a bit more what being a spouse of a military person is truly like.  If you don't work, and you are at home with your house and/or children, and you don't have a network of friends...oh baby, you're gonna be a huge mess while your spouse is gone....and you're going to stress your spouse out every time he/she calls!  WOW, can life without a spouse get lonely....if you're used to having one.  :)   That was a huge adjustment for me in 2009.  Huge.  I didn't have daily adult interaction and I was feeling slightly outta my mind.  :D   It is important for EOD wives to stick together and take care of the ones whose husbands are gone.  They need to be able to talk to others, not just kids all day, day after day.  They need breaks from the kids.  I'm somewhat rambling now.

EOD is dangerous.  All of us wives know this ahead of time.  If not, shame on our husbands for not enlightening us to that fact.  EOD is gone quite a bit, leaving us alone quite a bit.  There is a huge amount of pride that goes along with being EOD, and I think wives tend to have it, too.  They don't know everyone in the career field, but they know a lot.  If they're not deploying with them, they are going TDY with them.  EOD is small compared to most other fields in the military.  That also means the wives probably know a lot of other wives.  It's a community.  It's a community of wives whose husbands have one of the more dangerous jobs in the military.  lol...something funny came to mind.  I'm guessing EOD

Well, my dear friend, "Lisabob," I hope this answered your question.  If not, shoot me an email. 

In Christ
hugs